Over the past months I know many of you have been aware of the weakening and inevitable failure of the life-breath of the universe.
Of course I hate to be the bearer of such terrible news but I know you will understand that I must save myself.
Already there have been several parts of my conscience that have left me entirely due to the necessary severances from which I recoil.
However, in order to ensure that my personal satisfaction is in line with the needs of my appetites,
and because it has been brought to my attention that our models are no longer in line with the storage capacity of the requisite thousands of basements, boneyards, freezers and underground lairs required (and so unfortunately necessary) in order to keep my very own cavernous house of emptiness from overflowing with severed heads, you understand,
I am pleased to have seized the opportunity to both implement and announce to you an acronym I made up myself, which is sure to become famous, called the VRMMIP (Voluntary Relief for Me and Mine Insurance Program).
There will be two rounds of this program, which you may hear being referred to as the Voluntary Suicide or Voluntary Self-Decapitation Program by some of my kiss-ass minions, who also may be eligible for this program depending on the quality of their self-deprecating performance.
The second round, to be announced at an undisclosed time, will be the i-VRMMIP or Involuntary Suicide Program, the details of which, obviously can not and will not be divulged until the time has come, by which time you will no longer need to strain your inadequate intellect to comprehend its’ very complex details.
If you choose to take advantage of my generous offer, the VRMMIP, understand that you will be eligible for ENHANCED suicide in addition to the benefit of escaping the shame of having someone else sever your less than optimally productive head unexpectedly.
Of course you know, reducing head count is a step I don’t take lightly.
I appreciate your loyalty in the coming days, months, who knows? maybe years between now and when the final axe will fall.
As anyone in our business knows, loyalty is the main difference between you and me.
Please, feel free to scream in to the night waiting for an answer which will not come.
Sincerely,
Your Chief Severance Officer
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4 comments:
Here is the real memo, names and identifying details deleted:
Over the past months, I know that you have been following news on the continual weakening of the economy, and I’ve previously shared with you the negative effect this is having on our clients’ activity. As we enter the first quarter of 2009, we continue to face significantly reduced volume, which affects staffing requirements in every area of our business. Despite the focus we have put on managing our company’s costs, as well as the closing of our Insert Town Here facility, staffing models across the company are still not in line with business needs. As a result, as you have heard from your management, we now need to take further steps to reduce headcount.
One of the options that the company is offering is for its U.S. employees to voluntarily resign through the Company January 2009 U.S. Voluntary Severance Program (“VRIF”). This voluntary reduction-in-force program is a good opportunity for employees who may have been considering leaving the Company at a point in the future to leave now and collect enhanced severance.
Many companies have offered voluntary reductions-in-force as a way to reduce headcount without resorting to layoffs. In July of 2008, in fact, the Company offered this option to our IT management, due to the reduction of IT projects. The program worked well, and we were able to achieve our staffing objectives.
In addition to the VRIF, we are encouraging employees to consider the existing option of reducing their work schedules and commensurate salary, which can offer flexibility for employees while producing a positive cost impact for the Company.
Reducing headcount is not a step we like to take. However, through selected strategies like the current VRIF and work schedule reduction, we are positioning our company to achieve the best possible financial performance with the least impact on our people. Through this approach we hope to reduce the number of employees affected by potential future reductions in force.
Please contact your VP or senior leader or HR representative if you have additional questions, or for details if you have yet not heard from them directly regarding this initiative.
Uh, have you heard from your VP or senior leader or HR rep recently?
Yes, but he didn't provide any more answers than screaming in to the void of night did. I'll be sure to let you know if I receive any answers, and of course, if I become involuntarily separated.
From Daisycircle:
How are you?
Wen:
I just put up a new posting which pretty much sums up how I am.
Daisycircle:
Yikes, Sunshine! I think you should spam people with this email. Or post it on craigslist!
Now seriously, are you suicidal?
Wen:
satire? ever heard of it?
No, seriously, Hubby thought the same. He was like, uh, you're nuttier than I am!
Daisycircle:
Yeah, just checking. Sometimes there is more truth in jokes...but it is hilarious! You are a great writer!!!!
Wen:
Some things strike me as so incredibly ridiculous that they must be jokes even if they aren’t. The language of the memo was inescapable for me:
head count, severance, etc. I had to comment on it. I am glad I did because it completely reinforces my perspective on the subject and makes me feel less of a victim.
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