Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Three Times'a Bitch

I walk in to the 7-Eleven on my lunch hour one day and notice they're selling a type of lottery ticket that's called "Three Times'a Charm". It looks like your basic slot-machine style lottery ticket where you have three chances to "pull the lever". I never buy lottery tickets.

After lunch my friend emails me. She asks how I'm feeling.
I tell her, “Alright, a little crampy, but I think it's because I ate a very spicy curry for lunch.”
She tells me, “Oh, I was just going to tell you not to eat anything spicy.”
I say, “Why? Is that supposed to be bad for pg?”
She's writes, “Yeah, I thought you knew that. It induces labor. Sorry. Didn't mean to scare ya.”

Later, feeling annoyed, I google the shit out of "spicy food bad for pregnancy". Everything I read says spicy is fine. It's an old wives' tale that it will induce labor, but only if you are full-term. All the experts say it's been studied and there's no evidence that it has any effect on pregnancy or labor at all.

I feel vindicated. But I am still bitter. I want to talk to people who have experienced miscarriage, and know how sensitive you get about these things, especially with hormones raging in early pregnancy. I post a new thread in my "Cautiously Expecting After Miscarriage" group:

Subject: Cramping
Okay, I am trying not to freak out. This is my 4th pg, the last two ended in m/c at @ 7 & 9 wks, and I'm about 6 weeks along this time. I have been craving super spicy food and I had a very spicy curry for lunch. Now I am cramping.

My friend tells me it is bad to eat spicy food when pregnant, that it is known to induce labor. Please tell me she is full of it! I am so nervous because of the prior m/c. If this is just an old wives’ tale, I am going to kill her for freaking me out!

On my way home from work, I pick up James at his friend's house. The mom and I get into this conversation about babies and pregnancy and miscarriage, and we talk about our experiences and I end up telling her I'm pregnant. She is so excited. She hugs me and tells me she will pray for me.

She asks how I'm feeling and I tell her, "Alright, a little crampy, but I think it's because I ate a very spicy curry for lunch."
As I am talking to her I feel this slight wetness. I immediately begin to feel embarrassed, because I know if I were to go into the bathroom right now I’d see blood. And I just told this woman who I don’t even know very well that I am pregnant.

After I get home I tell Jim everything as I am making James a quick dinner.
Suddenly I feel the familiar gush and I say, "Uh-oh I have to go to the bathroom."
I squat over the toilet just as I had done three weeks before, to look at the evidence.
James opens the door and asks me something. I'm not listening. I don't know if he wants me to make some decision, or give him something.
I tell him, "Give me privacy and go get daddy."
I try to comprehend. I tell myself, "Oh yes, you were right, just like you thought." But then, I remember that all day I told myself everything was fine.

The door opens again, I think it is Jim, but it is James and I raise my voice, impatiently saying, "I already told you to go get daddy, now, go get daddy!"
He is offended, and just wants to know if he can play Electric Company on the computer.

I hear Jim on the other side of the door, saying, "I am right here, what is it?"
I say, "Come here." He squeezes James out of the way and comes into the hot stuffy bathroom with me, closing the door behind him.

Later I am talking on the phone to the doctor. I have never met her, she is someone new, because I hated the last one. This one seems nice. I tell her I had just made my first appointment to come see her this Friday. She says that is good, to keep that appointment. Just take it easy, and call her if anything changes. She tells me, "You can try again."
She tells me something about women who have three miscarriages. Apparently, there is some medical rule of thumb that says I am eligible for a certain amount of fertility testing.
I feel like she is trying to tell me I am lucky, like I have won some sort of perverse lottery. "With luck we can figure out what is wrong and fix it."

The Spark Has Come Undone

There is a bright bright sun
leaves unfold in a wide yawn

I want to float with the breeze
fan through sweet blossoms
scatter love like a bee
take to the trees

but the dark evening has come
and reacquainted with unfermented blood
this musty dread anchors me down
I can tell
the spark has come undone again

these three ripe moments came and passed
squeezed through my life too tightly to grasp

potential doesn't know deadlines
infinite moments float outside of time
and I am anchored down again
while this unfermented brooding washes over me