My sister and I are trying to get my car out of her driveway. It is stuck at the bottom, as the driveway is paved in ice. Multiple attemps have been made, resulting primarily in an oder of burning rubber and a net movement of 2 feet. Backward.
Little J to his cousin M:
I think your Mommy and my Mommy are sisters because they keep laughing.
Brilliant.
If only the two of us could remember that more often.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A Typical Conversation with My Car
me:
PRND321
car:
beep STOP! beep STOP! beep STOP! beep STOP! beep STOP!
me:
40 MPH, 44 MPH, 50 MPH
car:
beep EMISSIONS WORKSHOP! beep CHECK ENGINE
me:
NO RIGHT TURN
car:
ABS [!]
me:
EXIT 8
car:
ASR [!]
beep BRAKE FAULT
me:
65 MPH
car:
STOP! BRAKE FAULT STOP! BRAKE FAULT STOP!
me:
Cruise control
car:
33 F 13 Min
me:
[sigh]
car:
beep EMISSIONS WORKSHOP! beep CHECK ENGINE beep EMISSIONS WORKSHOP beep CHECK ENGINE
STOP!
me:
Fuck you! [turns radio on full blast]
PRND321
car:
beep STOP! beep STOP! beep STOP! beep STOP! beep STOP!
me:
40 MPH, 44 MPH, 50 MPH
car:
beep EMISSIONS WORKSHOP! beep CHECK ENGINE
me:
NO RIGHT TURN
car:
ABS [!]
me:
EXIT 8
car:
ASR [!]
beep BRAKE FAULT
me:
65 MPH
car:
STOP! BRAKE FAULT STOP! BRAKE FAULT STOP!
me:
Cruise control
car:
33 F 13 Min
me:
[sigh]
car:
beep EMISSIONS WORKSHOP! beep CHECK ENGINE beep EMISSIONS WORKSHOP beep CHECK ENGINE
STOP!
me:
Fuck you! [turns radio on full blast]
Monday, January 12, 2009
Voluntary or Involuntary Suicide, it’s your choice! (a memo from my boss)
Over the past months I know many of you have been aware of the weakening and inevitable failure of the life-breath of the universe.
Of course I hate to be the bearer of such terrible news but I know you will understand that I must save myself.
Already there have been several parts of my conscience that have left me entirely due to the necessary severances from which I recoil.
However, in order to ensure that my personal satisfaction is in line with the needs of my appetites,
and because it has been brought to my attention that our models are no longer in line with the storage capacity of the requisite thousands of basements, boneyards, freezers and underground lairs required (and so unfortunately necessary) in order to keep my very own cavernous house of emptiness from overflowing with severed heads, you understand,
I am pleased to have seized the opportunity to both implement and announce to you an acronym I made up myself, which is sure to become famous, called the VRMMIP (Voluntary Relief for Me and Mine Insurance Program).
There will be two rounds of this program, which you may hear being referred to as the Voluntary Suicide or Voluntary Self-Decapitation Program by some of my kiss-ass minions, who also may be eligible for this program depending on the quality of their self-deprecating performance.
The second round, to be announced at an undisclosed time, will be the i-VRMMIP or Involuntary Suicide Program, the details of which, obviously can not and will not be divulged until the time has come, by which time you will no longer need to strain your inadequate intellect to comprehend its’ very complex details.
If you choose to take advantage of my generous offer, the VRMMIP, understand that you will be eligible for ENHANCED suicide in addition to the benefit of escaping the shame of having someone else sever your less than optimally productive head unexpectedly.
Of course you know, reducing head count is a step I don’t take lightly.
I appreciate your loyalty in the coming days, months, who knows? maybe years between now and when the final axe will fall.
As anyone in our business knows, loyalty is the main difference between you and me.
Please, feel free to scream in to the night waiting for an answer which will not come.
Sincerely,
Your Chief Severance Officer
Of course I hate to be the bearer of such terrible news but I know you will understand that I must save myself.
Already there have been several parts of my conscience that have left me entirely due to the necessary severances from which I recoil.
However, in order to ensure that my personal satisfaction is in line with the needs of my appetites,
and because it has been brought to my attention that our models are no longer in line with the storage capacity of the requisite thousands of basements, boneyards, freezers and underground lairs required (and so unfortunately necessary) in order to keep my very own cavernous house of emptiness from overflowing with severed heads, you understand,
I am pleased to have seized the opportunity to both implement and announce to you an acronym I made up myself, which is sure to become famous, called the VRMMIP (Voluntary Relief for Me and Mine Insurance Program).
There will be two rounds of this program, which you may hear being referred to as the Voluntary Suicide or Voluntary Self-Decapitation Program by some of my kiss-ass minions, who also may be eligible for this program depending on the quality of their self-deprecating performance.
The second round, to be announced at an undisclosed time, will be the i-VRMMIP or Involuntary Suicide Program, the details of which, obviously can not and will not be divulged until the time has come, by which time you will no longer need to strain your inadequate intellect to comprehend its’ very complex details.
If you choose to take advantage of my generous offer, the VRMMIP, understand that you will be eligible for ENHANCED suicide in addition to the benefit of escaping the shame of having someone else sever your less than optimally productive head unexpectedly.
Of course you know, reducing head count is a step I don’t take lightly.
I appreciate your loyalty in the coming days, months, who knows? maybe years between now and when the final axe will fall.
As anyone in our business knows, loyalty is the main difference between you and me.
Please, feel free to scream in to the night waiting for an answer which will not come.
Sincerely,
Your Chief Severance Officer
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